


242 Seconds

by A_Heimby



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Emotional Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, dark themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-10
Updated: 2017-01-10
Packaged: 2018-09-16 16:00:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9279029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Heimby/pseuds/A_Heimby
Summary: 242 seconds. That was all it took for the fragile structure of what was left of his life to collapse around him. Barely more than four minutes. The time it took him to go pee and wash his hands.One month later there is a knock at the door that could change everything.





	1. Chapter 1

242 seconds. That was all it took for the fragile structure of what was left of his life to collapse around him. Barely more than four minutes. The time it took him to go pee and wash his hands.

One minute things seemed to be good, or at least getting better, and the next everything good he had been able to build back up in his life had crumbled back to the bedrock. He didn’t even really know what had done it; he was only allowed to see the aftermath, the destruction but not the cause.

When Farah had ran back toward the bathrooms he had been too focused on the phone in his hand trying to get a hold of Amanda, and thanking god apparently no one had noticed his attack. He hadn’t noticed the panic and worry on her face until he heard it in her voice as she told him Dirk was gone, causing his hand to fall limply to his side with his phone.

Now, as they sat at the table in silence with Farah thinking about what she had just told him, that Dirk had vanished into thin air, and what he had told her about his short phone call with Amanda, that someone was after her and the Rowdy 3 and possibly them, he himself was stuck on the attack he had just had, which he had left out when talking to Farah. All he could think was how terrible but justified it was, that he deserved it after all he had done, that it was karma and the universe giving him what was due.

He was also thinking about the fact Amanda had heard the start of it. He wasn’t sure how long she had been on the line after he dropped his phone but he did remember the sound of her cries through the tiny speaker before the pain blocked everything out. He had continued in his efforts to call her back since Farah stopped talking but it was still going straight to voice mail. There was a part of him that he hated which was a little relieved because he had no idea what he’d say to her, he didn’t think he could stomach telling her the truth, but mostly he just felt a crushing panic and fear for his sister; she had sounded so afraid.

Todd was pulled from his darkening thoughts when Farah let out a loud huff before saying, “It’s almost a guarantee that whatever is happening to Amanda and the Rowdy 3 that it’s also connected to Dirk’s sudden disappearance, right?” She didn’t wait for a response before continuing, “I mean, before he left, before he went outside, he seemed pretty bothered by something, like he suddenly realized something very important.” She let out another huff of air as she locked eyes with Todd, her brows furrowed in confused concern, before finishing with a frown, “He was acting odd, or at least, odder than he normally does.”

Taking a deep breath to try and keep himself calm, Todd forced a small laugh before joking, “Odder? Is that even possible?” When the look on Farah’s face only grew more serious he decided he ought to do the same, so letting some of his crushing worry shine through in his bright blue eyes, he agreed, “They have to be connected. If there is anything that Dirk has taught me in the surprisingly short amount of time I’ve known him it’s that much; everything is connected.” Todd made some vague hand gestures as he finished, “The fundamental interconnectedness of all things and all that.”

This time as he made eye contact with Farah there was a spark of concern he could see there that made him uncomfortable. It didn’t seem like concern for Dirk; it seemed like concern for him. That feeling only intensified when she reached a faltering hand out to place over his hands cupped tightly together on the table. He was only realising now how tightly he had been clasping them, now that he felt her gentle touch. With a couple false starts she finally managed to ask, “How are you handling this, Todd?” Her look of concern had an edge to it that made her look a little unstable, but he still fully appreciated it, even if it made him feel a little itchy. He had never truly had people outside of his sister and parents who really, properly cared about him before; now he had two, or at least he had two when he walked into this diner. When it didn’t seem like he was going to answer she pulled her hand back a little before looking down and hesitantly saying, “I’m not quite sure what yours and Dirk’s relationship is,” looking up she assured him, “but I want you to know, Todd, I’m right here next to you.” She managed a sad smile as she added, “We’ll find him, and if we need to, we’ll save him.”

With a sad, tight smile of his own he nodded, saying, “Yeah. I’m sure we’ll find him and save him. We’ll also find my sister and save her.” Looking down at the table Todd felt his mind being dragged back into that dark place as he absent mindedly muttered, “Maybe we’ll even save everyone this time.”

It took until closing time but they came up with a plan of action. They would be splitting up in their search for Dirk. Farah would be taking the law enforcement rout, reaching out to the contacts she had made, like Estevez, as well as the ones her father had before he died. She would also be able to flash a little bit of money around in the places that counted. Todd would be going the personal rout, looking for Dirk in the kinds of strange places the taller man might frequent or have a likelihood of showing up in. He would also try looking into Dirk’s life before they had met, which really, was just about all of it. They would try to keep in contact but had a standing date to meet back at this same diner after a week.

When that week passed without finding much for leads, but with many setbacks like Estevez disappearing just as completely as Dirk, they found themselves in the same booth. Farah had gotten as far as finding out a military black op might be involved, but nothing more specific than that, while all Todd had been able to find was a possible home town in England not far from London. Not only had it been hard to find out where Dirk might be but it was exceedingly hard just to find out where he had been.

This time their meeting was pretty short. It didn’t take long to decide that one of them should head out to England while the other stayed. It wasn’t even a point of discussion who would go, just an automatic understanding. Todd had to be the one to stay because Dirk would be most likely to show up at Todd’s place or his own which Todd could keep an eye on. Not to mention Todd was still trying to get a hold of Amanda. He still hadn’t heard from her since the day Dirk disappeared. He wouldn’t even think about leaving until he knew his sister was okay.

The next day Farah flew out giving Todd a brief but bone crushing hug before going through security. For the next week she kept in frequent contact. She wasn’t getting anything in the town she was in, so, after the first week she moved on toward London. That was when the calls started to become less and less frequent. By the end of week three it had been a couple of days since Todd had heard from her.

Meanwhile, around the time Farah stopped calling or picking up her phone, Todd had managed to get in contact with Amanda, or rather she got in contact with him. He received a short letter from her, in her handwriting, that said,

_Dear Todd,_

_I’m still mad at you but I’m also worried. That day on the phone I heard you screaming but before I could find out what was happening I dropped my phone and broke it. I hope you’re okay big brother, I truly do, no matter how big of an asshole you can be._

_I know you’re probably worried yourself, but chill, I’m just fine. I’m with Vogel and we’re lying low for now in a place I don’t think those military guys will find us. And don’t worry about my attacks. Vogel knows how to handle them._

_Also, make sure you warn Dirk. Vogel said the men that came after him and the Rowdy 3 will probably also try to come after him. You all need to watch your backs._

_Say hi to Dirk and Farah for me. I love you._

_-Amanda_

There was no return address for him to write back to, which was probably deliberate considering they were hiding, but Todd felt some of the weight leave his shoulders at the news that his sister was okay. He wasn’t happy about the situation, far from it in fact, but at least she was safe.

Now, that just left Dirk on his mind. Not a day went by that he didn’t think of one more place to check, or go back to recheck a place he had already been days before. By the time week four was wrapping up, with no sign of Dirk and no contact from Farah in over a week, he was at his wits end.

He was having attacks on the daily, sometimes multiple times a day, and he felt like the bedrock his life had crumbled to, was now crumbling as well. Every time he had to stop doing dishes midway through, because suddenly the water was boiling his hands, he found that dark part of his mind gaining more and more control. Some days when he was done wandering the city all he could do was turn on his crappy little television, the only one he could afford to replace his old smashed one with, at let the mindlessness take over.

However, on the day that marked one month since he last saw Dirk, Todd found himself sitting in the tub for hours staring blankly at the roof. As he lay there all he could think was that he had nothing left. Farah was god knew where, his sister hated him and was in hiding from the military, and Dirk, well, Dirk was gone. He had assumed in the beginning that Dirk had been taken, it was the only thing that made any logical sense considering everything, but the dark part of his mind was more or less in control now and that part tried it’s hardest to convince him that Dirk had just left. He was pretty well convinced as he let his head sink below the surface of the water that Dirk had simply decided he didn’t actually want to stay around Todd any longer and had left at the first opportunity. As he forced himself to hold his breath a little longer, to stay under the water for just a few more moments, he also thought about how angry he was at Dirk. He had left him just when he needed him. Todd told himself that Dirk could have helped Amanda, found her in the least, but he had left instead. He had abandoned him and it hurt far more than it should. Todd felt it in his heart like someone had it in hand and was crushing it, breaking it beyond repair. As he felt his lungs burn it didn’t even compare to his heart and the darkness whispered that nothing else ever would. The darkness promised him a way out, if only he stayed with it a little longer. He almost listened but instinct took over last minute forcing him to sit up gasping.

He wouldn’t have heard the knocking if he hadn’t caught his breath when he did. As it was, it was a very soft knock probably only made loud enough to hear by the rattling sound his door has made since a guy came by to fix it.

Pulling himself from the tub with a tired sigh he grabbed a worn out robe from the back of the bathroom door. He didn’t care that he was leaving drops of water behind him as he prepared to tell whoever was on the other side of the door to go away and leave him alone.

He started talking before the door was even open, agitatedly asking, “What do you wan…” but felt the words die on his tongue as he took in what was on the other side. Astonished, he choked out a whispered, “Dirk?”


	2. Chapter 2

There was a voice in Todd’s head that was telling him what he was seeing wasn’t real and that it was some cruel development in his disease that had him seeing things that caused more than just physical pain, but emotional pain as well. After standing with his mouth agape for longer than was proper he slowly extended a trembling hand toward the phantom, because phantom was accurate. The Dirk before him was as pale as a ghost, only his skin also looked waxy at the same time, his eyes were red rimmed with large bags underneath and looked glazed over with a fever, and his posture was slumped like someone had deflated him half way. When Todd’s hand successfully grabbed hold of Dirk’s wrist he didn’t know if he was more startled by the fact there was actually something solid to grab hold of or by the chill of the skin he did. For a moment his brain said it could still be the disease, after all it made him feel things that weren’t real all the time, but when he heard the sound of Dirk’s breath hitching it was like someone threw all the lights on in his mind at once.

He wasn’t sure who made the sound, but a chocked gasp filled his ears as he used the wrist in his hands to slowly pull Dirk forward into a gentle but fierce hug. Todd was far too aware of how weak the tall man looked but when Dirk wrapped his arms tighter around him he tightened his hug as well.

At some point, after a few long moments of holding on to each other for dear life, Todd became aware of the fact that Dirk was crying. It was silent but he could feel the tremors coursing through the others body. When he heard a small sniffle he decided the open doorway was probably not the best place for this, so pulling back to close the door and returning his hand to Dirk’s wrist, he started to lead him toward the couch. He quickly regretted it though when he heard a quiet hiss of pain behind him. Turning around, a concerned look over taking his face, he looked down at the wrist in his hand. He felt his breath catch in his lungs as he took in the state of it, grabbing the other gently as well. They both had nasty looking bruising, layered from old ones healing beside the newer ones, as well as scabbed over wounds. It was obvious that wherever Dirk had been he had been kept against his will, and had fought like hell to try and escape.

Todd felt his own eyes brimming with tears as he slipped his hands down a little further and instead grabbed Dirk’s hands in his. Trying to stop his tears from spilling over he finally looked up into the other man’s face, really letting himself take it in, before locking eyes. What he saw there, it had a cold chill running up his spine. There was none of the usual curiosity or playfulness that seemed ever present there, or much of anything really. Dirk looked almost completely blank except for the pain and sadness that could just be made out through the silent tears. With his brows furrowed his tears finally won out and Todd used their clasped hands to pull Dirk after him as he walked backward toward the couch, slipping slightly on some of the water that had dripped from him. When he felt his legs hit the side table and then the arm of the couch he pulled the broken man down beside him.

For a few minutes they just sat there beside each other in near silence, the only sound an occasional sniffle. Todd had his worried eyes trained on Dirk’s face but the other man had his blank stare focused on the blank television screen before them. The silence was finally broken by Dirk as he rasped out, “Stop frowning at me Todd, it’s rather rude to stare.”

He wanted to laugh that Dirk could still be Dirk, even now, but the thought died as Dirk suddenly turned bodily toward him and practically tackled him into a tight hug. The second Todd had his arms wrapped tightly in return around the skinnier man he felt the full body tremor go through him again. Holding him even closer he started rubbing small circles on his back. That was when a small sob finally escaped, quickly followed by others, until finally Dirk was sobbing violently into Todd’s neck and shoulder, curling into his side. Not even aware of what words were leaving his mouth, Todd started whispering comforting nothings as he moved his other hand to card through Dirk’s hair in an attempt to sooth.

When the crying finally stopped, on both their parts, they still didn’t move. Slowly Todd started leaning back more and more, trying to make them both more comfortable, until he had Dirk half lying against him, head on his robe clad chest, and that was how they both fell asleep, arms still wrapped tightly around each other.

After only a couple hours Todd was woken by the sound of a whimper.

The next thing he became aware of was the feel of Dirk squirming in his arms. Tightening them around him he started trying to sooth Dirk back into a peaceful sleep but when his attempts only proved to heighten Dirk’s distress he panicked. Even though he wanted him to sleep, he didn’t want him to suffer doing it, so he woke him up with a firm shake of his hand on his back.

He wasn’t prepared for Dirk to wake with a sudden and violent jolt so they both found themselves on the floor between the couch and coffee table a second later, Todd on top of Dirk, both with the breath knocked out of them.

Gasping, Todd tried to ask, “Dirk, are you okay?”

When all Dirk could do in response was wheeze out a shallow breath Todd took the answer as no. Quickly clambering back to his feet he tried to help the taller man up as well. Finally, after they were both sitting on the couch again, Dirk managed a faint, “I’m fine, Todd. Thank you.”

Studying Dirk’s face in the little light that the room provided at one in the morning, Todd could see that was far from the truth. He had seen it within the first minute Dirk had shown up at his door but it was far to obvious to ignore now; Dirk was off, something was really, truly wrong, and Todd had no idea what to do about it. He was in a horrible place as well and he had no idea how he could help someone else if he couldn’t even help himself.

However, before he could be dragged down too far by his own dark thoughts Dirk was speaking, again in that far too soft and broken voice. “I’m so tired, Todd. I know you want to ask me questions but please, can we just talk in the morning and sleep first?” He was finally looking at Todd again, this time his distress written clearly across his face with no attempt to hide it, as he added in a hoarse whisper, “Please, Todd, I’m so exhausted.”

Todd forced a tight smile on his face before gently responding, “Of course, Dirk, whatever you need.” Without another word spoken he took hold of Dirk’s hand before leading him over to the bed in the corner and gently pushing Dirk down onto it by his shoulders. When the British man was lying down Todd turned to go back to the couch but Dirk grabbed hold of his hand again before he could leave. Without having to say anything he tugged on Todd’s hand gently once and that was all Todd needed before he was lying down next to Dirk. If neither of them even thought to attempt to separate their joined hands the other said nothing, so that was how they fell asleep again, this time peacefully.


	3. Chapter 3

Dirk woke again with a jolt, though this time he stayed where he was. For a terrifying moment he was back in that terrible place with that terrible blond woman and her little dimwitted puppy dog of an underling. The thought that he had to escape was what dominated his mind next, that was until he heard the sound of soft breathing beside him.

Looking toward the sound he found his mind falter for a moment. Todd was sprawled out next to him on the bed, face tilted in his direction. As he took a few moments to really take in the fact that he had escaped and he was with Todd again, he let himself study the other man’s face. There was a peace there that Dirk never saw when the man was awake, but he still felt something niggle at him the longer he stared. His instincts were telling him there was something wrong but he couldn’t for the life of him figure out what it was.

He was only pulled from his worried thoughts at the sight of two ridiculously blue eyes staring back. Squinting into the morning light, Todd asked in a sleep roughed voice, “Is everything okay, Dirk?”

Letting out a heavy breath, Dirk admitted, “I don’t know.” With his brows furrowed and a frown pulling at his mouth he repeated, “I don’t know, Todd.” He was starting to feel an intense panic take him over as he added, “I can’t tell anymore.”

As his breathing began to pick up, beyond his ability to control, Todd sat up next to him. Putting a hand on Dirk’s shoulder the shorter man tried to reassure him, “It’s okay, Dirk. You’re safe now.” When that showed signs of helping he continued to try and comfort him, promising, “I’m not going to let anything happen to you again,” Dirk felt his heart glow slightly at Todd’s words but if faded when he finished, saying, “and when I can get a hold of Farah and she comes home she’ll say the same.” There was a traitorous part of Dirk’s mind that asked to where Todd was referring, where was Farah’s home now? Dirk had been gone a month and a lot can change in a month.

Forcing a small smile onto his face, Dirk nodded. With his panic attack subverted he was finally able to focus his mind enough to remember what he had been thinking about only minutes before. Biting his bottom lip as he took in a deep breath through his nose, he finally asked, “How are you, Todd?” When he went to answer, he added, “I mean, how are you _really_ , Todd?”

If Dirk had been at his best, or even just somewhere in the middle, he would have noticed that the pause was too long, that Todd’s eyes contradicted the rest of his face and his words, but as it was he was at one of his lowest points, so when Todd smiled and patted him on the back saying, “I’m fine, Dirk. I’m perfectly fine.” He believed him, or at least in the forefront of his mind he did.

When Todd got up a second later Dirk found his mind blanking out on him, every thought that had previously been fighting for his attention had now gone quiet. He was noticing for the first time since Todd opened the door that the other man was in nothing but an old worn robe. He felt a retroactive sense of embarrassment as he felt a blush creep up his back and neck and onto his cheeks. Needing to escape he made a quick retreat into the bathroom, which didn’t help much because there was still a full tub and that only made his mind wander further to places he thought it best not to go. It also gave him a strange sense of unease. Needing to erase the image of Todd in that bath before Dirk had interrupted the night before, he plunged his arm into the chilly water to drain it. As he watched the water level go down he sent his thoughts down the drain with it.

Knowing Todd kept a couple extra tooth brushes under the sink he grabbed one, hoping a nice cleansing might help clear his mind so he could think clearly again. As it was now he felt like there was a thick fog in his brain that followed around his thoughts, deciding at the most inconvenient times that Dirk shouldn’t be able to see the full picture, blocking out the most important parts.

By the time he was finally emerging from the bathroom Todd already had breakfast cooking and nearly done. When he noticed Dirk standing there he sent him another one of those smiles that troubled Dirk to no end. He couldn’t think about it long though before he was being directed to sit on the couch. After he was sitting with a plate full of food in his lap Todd made his own retreat into the bathroom with a small pile of clothes in hand. When he emerged minutes later, now fully clothed, Dirk felt a sense of disappointment, but quickly pushed it down.

The rest of the morning was filled with pointless television, presumably meant to distract Dirk while Todd kept trying to get a hold of Farah. It was around lunch time that Todd seamed to give up as he let out a frustrated huff, throwing his phone on the couch beside Dirk. Following after the phone, Todd collapsed onto the couch as well, dropping his head back to close his eyes. Dirk couldn’t help but study the other man as he sat there ignorant of Dirk’s scrutiny. There was still something there that was bothering him, something that was beyond Todd’s normal level of melancholy but he still couldn’t put his finger on it. Without even noticing, he let out a small sound of frustration, drawing Todd’s attention back toward him.

He was studying him right back. With a sense of sorrow in his eyes but a smile on his face, Todd started to ask, “Do you want to talk about what happened while…” but cut himself off, his voice trailing before instead asking, “What do you think about a walk to go get some fresh air and maybe some lunch?”

Feeling restless stuck in a small apartment after the last month he’d had he quickly agreed, sending Todd a grateful smile for dropping the first subject. He knew if there was anyone he could talk to about it, it would be Todd, but he just wasn’t ready yet. It was still too fresh and new, too terrifying.


	4. Chapter 4

A half hour later found Todd and Dirk sitting together in the corner of a pub that made pretty good food, at least in Todd’s opinion. The first thing Dirk had done upon them entering was scan the room, obviously looking for any potential threats, and when he insisted they sit in a tiny booth in the back corner of the room Todd said nothing. If Dirk needed to sit in a cramped corner in order to feel safe, so be it.

One thing he hadn’t thought to take into account though was how close he was to Dirk, or rather the affect it would have on him. The booth was a small triangle, so though Todd wasn’t looking directly at the other man, he was forced to be touching him. His leg and shoulder felt hot where they connected with Dirk and Todd was confused by how much he enjoyed the sensation, much like he had been confused the night before by how much he enjoyed the feeling of Dirk in his arms. Knowing it was not the time or place to be letting his mind wander to places like that, Todd tried to rein them in. He needed to focus on what Dirk needed, not what he did. Trying to complete his previous train of thought so he could let it go, he told himself it was probably just the fact that Dirk was back and a need to prove it to his own mind, a need to prove that Dirk was alive and okay, or at least relatively okay.

The waitress showing up was just the distraction he needed as he placed his order, but that was blown out of the water the second the waitress heard Dirk’s accent. The moment Dirk had finished placing his order the blond woman turned on the charm, giggling and playing with her pony tail as she blatantly flirted every time she came by the table to drop off their food or drinks. Todd wasn’t sure if it was a good thing or not that Dirk seemed completely oblivious to the young woman’s advances, instead simply enjoying a captive audience for his stories about back home. Absently he could hear a story that involved a couch and a ghost, or a time machine or something, but he couldn’t concentrate on it. He felt a rage building in his gut that he couldn’t comprehend. He could feel it sitting there, burning him from the inside out.

 Suddenly the points where he was touching Dirk felt like they were on fire, so without thinking he flinched violently away from Dirk and right out of his seat so he was sprawled on the floor at the waitress’s feet. Vaguely, he could hear Dirk and the woman asking if he was alright but the second Dirk touched his arm it burst into flames. Before the pain started, because Todd knew that was only moments away, he jumped to his feet and clumsily ran for the bathroom. Locking the door behind him he curled into a ball in the far corner, biting down on his arm to try and stop the screams of agony. Clenching his eyes shut as tight as he could, he tried to force his mind back under his control. He could feel his body burning as he let out muffled screams.

 It felt like hours he was in that corner but it was really only a few minutes, if his watch was anything to go by. As the pain receded to leave behind a full body ache he became aware of two things; the first, the sound of soft sobs that were coming from him, and the second, the sound of frantic banging on the door. Letting out a low groan because he didn’t want to deal with this, not now and not here, he got to his feet. He knew he’d be lying before he even opened the door. He wasn’t about to put this at Dirk’s feet, not when the other man was already struggling to deal with his own load of issues, he didn’t need Todd’s as well, most of all not this particular issue.

When Dirk yelled for him through the door to see what was wrong and if he was okay he yelled back the first thing that came to mind. “I’m fine, Dirk, just got a little sick.” He took a moment to splash some cold water on his face before going to open the door.

The taller man didn’t waste a second pushing his way in as he blurted out question after question in worry. “Todd, are you sure you’re okay? Did I hear you crying just now? Did I hear a scream before? What happened at the table? Why is your face so red?” Closing the space between them Dirk moved to grab Todd’s shoulders but the shorter man flinched back, making him freeze in place as he breathed out, “My god, Todd, you’re shaking like a leaf.”

Letting out a shaky laugh that sounded more like a sob he scolded Dirk, “You know how much we both hate it when people ask that many questions at once.” When he didn’t get the desired response from the other man, instead just getting a more intense look of worry, he did his best to assure Dirk, “Really, though, I’m fine. It’s probably just the flu or something. Not anything a little sleep can’t handle.”

For a second it looked like Dirk was going to reach out again but he seemed to stop himself as he nodded with a deep frown, clenching his outstretched hand before bringing it back to his side. Sounding more distressed than Todd liked, Dirk finally said, “Okay, if you think that’s all it is.” He was looking at Todd with a calculating look for a moment before it shifted back into a heart wrenching look of turmoil before continuing, “I paid the bill. If you’d like we can go home… back to your home, now, so you can rest.”

He hated seeing that look on Dirk’s face but was grateful for the out, so he quickly agreed, relived, “Yeah, Dirk, that sounds good. Going home sounds good.” Slowly reaching his own hand out, a little hesitant, he gently patted Dirk on the arm before finishing, “Let’s go home.”

 Todd didn’t miss the wistful look the waitress threw Dirk’s way as they left, though Dirk seemed to remain oblivious, or the wired mix of worry and annoyance she threw him. As the door closed behind them he knew he was glad to be rid of her, though he wouldn’t let himself linger on why that was. Instead he enjoyed having Dirk next to him again as they walked back toward home.


	5. Chapter 5

Dirk knew it was a lie the second it came out of Todd’s mouth but decided to let it go, at least for that moment. He could wait until they were back at Todd’s place before trying to dig any deeper.

However, he didn’t get the chance after they got back because Todd went straight to the couch to lie down and Dirk wasn’t about to interrupt his moment of peace. Though he suspected something more was going on then what Todd had told him he couldn’t deny that the other man looked completely wiped out. So, instead he grabbed two glasses of water, leaving one by Todd on the coffee table, and made himself comfortable in the armchair.

When Todd stopped trying to fight the sleep that was claiming him Dirk used it to his advantage, taking the time to study Todd more carefully in the light of day. There was still something that was setting off all the alarms in his head but his thought clouds were still there, still obstructing the view every time he felt like he might be getting the full picture. He _knew_ there was something that he should be worried about but it only made it worse that he had no clue what it was. When he became too frustrated trying to figure it out he decided he needed to focus on something else for a while, so getting up he made his way to the kitchen to start planning what he’d make for dinner.

When at last Todd woke up, hours later, Dirk was just finishing making what he had always wanted someone to make him when he was sick, homemade chicken noodle soup. He was pretty sure it tasted good, at least it did to him, he just hoped Todd liked it too.

When the other man made his way groggily into the kitchen to stand closely next to Dirk, he felt a pleasant tingle go up his spine. Todd was leaning slightly into him as he took a deep breath of the steam that was rising up, letting out an appreciative sound at what he smelt. Looking at Dirk with a goofy grin he noted, “You made chicken noodle soup.”

Feeling a light blush starting to creep up the back of his neck, Dirk cleared his throat before confirming, “I did. Isn’t that what one is supposed to do when someone they l…care about is sick?” Looking at the pot with a laser focus he added hesitantly, “You make them hot soup.”

Thankful that Todd seemed oblivious to his awkwardness, the other man simply hummed in agreement before turning around to grab a couple bowls and spoons. They sat across from each other at Todd’s tiny kitchen table as they ate, chatting about any light subject that popped into mind.

After dinner, and after Dirk had reluctantly allowed Todd to help with the dishes, they retreated back to the couch again in silence. Neither moved to turn on the television, but neither attempted to start a conversation either, instead choosing to simply sit there, taking in the presence of the other.

When Dirk could no longer hold back a rather big yawn hours later Todd seemed to come to a decision, announcing, “Right, okay, I think it’s time for bed.” Not knowing what was expected of him, Dirk stayed seated. Picking up on some level of discomfort, though wrongly interpreting the cause, Todd further went on, “You do still have your apartment.” He looked sheepish as he said, “Farah covered your rent so it hasn’t been touched really, at least not by anyone but Farah and me. I probably should have told you that last night.” Dirk could clearly see a blush spreading across the shorter man’s face as he added, “You can sleep there if you’d like, of course, but…” pausing to clear his throat, awkwardness coming off him in waves, he finished lamely, “If you just want a change of clothes you can always sleep here again.”

He didn’t know if it was just his hopeful mind playing tricks on him or if what he thought he was seeing, picking up on, was real, but he felt like Todd wanted him to stay, and seeing as that was all he wanted himself, he sent Todd a small smile as he told him, “I would rather not be alone, if you don’t mind.” Frowning slightly, he added, “Though I wouldn’t mind a change of clothes. These ones aren’t even mine.” Pulling on his collar as if to prove a point he informed him, “I got these ones out of a charity drive bin.”

A hoarse laugh burst out of Todd at the piece of information before he admitted, “I wasn’t going to say anything, but I thought a V-neck wasn’t exactly your style.”

Grimacing, Dirk confirmed, “No, it most certainly is not, though I should be happy I found something that was clean in the least.”

For the first time since making it back home Todd smiled a true smile. It made Dirk’s heart get that warm feeling again as he took it in. Smiling broadly back he said he’d just pop over and grab some clothes and that he’d only be a few minutes. True to his word he was walking back through the door minutes later, a duffle full of random things he might need besides just clothes.

By the time he was back Todd was already changed and finishing brushing his teeth. When he was finished he motioned Dirk toward the little room. Dirk made quick work of his nightly routine, finally starting to feel a little back to normal as he emerged clean and fresh. Todd was already in bed, under the covers, but was on the side closer to the wall. Dirk found his mind going in circles as he asked himself if that meant he was making room for him, or if he simply slept there, though he was fairly certain the configuration of the room would be different were that the case.

He was only pulled from his dizzying thoughts when Todd made a noise to get his attention before patting the bed next to him twice. It was clear enough to Dirk what he meant so he quickly padded over to the bed and climbed in, turning the last source of light off beside the bed.

For a few long moments they both laid there, silent, neither falling asleep. When Dirk could no longer deny what he had to do if either of them was going to get any decent amount of sleep he finally forced himself to speak. In a near whisper he told him, “That day they took me, at the dinner, I thought that things had finally changed, gotten better. I thought maybe, for once in my life, things were going to work out.” He felt his emotions building up again, vaguely thinking about how this was exactly the kind of time The Rowdy 3 usually showed up, before pushing past to acknowledge, “Then that man showed up and forced me to go with him, ruining everything, like things always get ruined for me.” Fighting against a frown, he did whisper, “I should have known something was coming the second I felt happy. The universe never lets me be happy.”

Though Dirk couldn’t see Todd’s face, he could hear the answering frown in his voice as he asked, “But I thought the universe always provides? That’s what you told me when we met, and then Lidia and Farah happened.”

A harsh smile crossing his face Dirk corrected him, “It provides what is needed for the cases and to survive in order to do them, that doesn’t mean it provides happiness. Far from it in fact, these cases have almost always only brought me trouble, pain and heartache.” He didn’t even bother to fight the tears he felt swelling in his eyes as he added to himself, “Always alone.”

Todd heard him though because he was quickly correcting Dirk, telling him ardently, “Were alone, Dirk, were alone, but not anymore. You have me now, and Farah and Amanda.”  Dirk felt a hand slip into his as Todd whispered, “Never again, as long as I’m breathing, Dirk, never again.”

Squeezing the hand in his, Dirk drew in some strength. After a few deep breaths he started to tell Todd everything that had happened after being taken. He told him about Blackwing, old and new. He told him about before, about Riggins, and about the new woman heading the project now. He told him about the things they did when he was younger and the things they had done to him over the past month. He revealed the horrors that had been inflicted on him until he could no longer speak through his tears. When he could no longer hold back choked sobs Todd pulled him closer, wrapping his arms tightly around him. Vaguely, Dirk could tell there were tears falling down Todd’s face as well, he could feel them occasionally as they landed on his head, which was tucked under Todd’s chin. It was as he was falling asleep, too exhausted to do anything else, that he felt it; a slight press of lips to his temple. The last thing he was aware of before sleep claimed him was Todd mumbling into his hair softly, “Never again.”


	6. Chapter 6

This time it was Todd that woke up with a start, though he couldn’t sit up with Dirk’s weight in his arms. Instead he pulled Dirk closer as he tried to calm his mind and breathing. A part of him knew under any other circumstance he’d probably feel awkward waking up in this position, with another man in his arms, but right now he didn’t because right now he needed the comfort. He’d had another one of his nightmares that left him feeling like he was going to cry.

It didn’t take long for Dirk to stir in his arms, noticing that something was wrong as he mumbled, “You okay, Todd?” He must have noticed how tense he was because he raised his head to look at him as he further asked, “What’s wrong?”

Seeing a blush creep across Dirk’s face in the morning light as he started to pull out of Todd’s arms, he rather abruptly assured, “It’s not this.” He nodded his head between them, continuing, “It was just a stupid nightmare I keep having.”

Frowning in concern at him, Dirk asked, “Do you want to talk about it?”

Todd couldn’t keep an answering frown from his face as he thought about whether or not he should tell Dirk. The man never came off well in the dreams, at least not lately, and he didn’t want Dirk reading into it. He knew his anger and resentment for Dirk’s disappearance was uncalled for and unfair, most of all after finding out what he had the night before, but that didn’t really change the way he felt. He didn’t really have control over his emotions, which was probably why the disease was as bad as it was.

When Dirk started to pull back again, Todd panicked, blurting out, “You let Amanda die.”

The effect was instantaneous. Dirk’s eyes gleamed with unshed tears as a heart breaking frown took over his face before whispering in a wobbly voice, “What?”

Closing his eyes and covering his face he took a deep, uneven breath before explaining, “When you disappeared, Dirk, we had almost no idea what had happened, and a few minutes before Farah came to the bathrooms to find me and tell me you had disappeared into thin air, I got a call from Amanda.” Todd’s voice became choked as he forced himself to continue, “She was so scared, Dirk, and I couldn’t help her, not how I was then. At first I told myself that you could, that you would fix whatever was wrong, I knew you were my only hope to help her, but then you were gone to and I didn’t know what to do. I…” He couldn’t stop the coming breakdown any longer as his eyes filled with tears but before it could really hit Dirk pulled him up and into his arms so they were sitting, Todd’s head buried in his neck and shoulder.

Rubbing a hand up and down Todd’s back, Dirk gently comforted, “It’s okay, Todd.”

It wasn’t though, Todd knew that. Sure, he had Dirk back, which was great, but he still didn’t know where Amanda was, or Farah for that matter. After he had calmed down enough he told Dirk, “But it’s not. I still don’t know where Amanda is and all I’ve gotten to even confirm she’s alive is a letter, and that was over a week ago.” He finally looked back into Dirk’s saddening eyes as he added, “I also haven’t heard from Farah in over a week, since she moved on into London.” He looked away again as he finally told Dirk, “I keep having a dream where you stand by and let them die while I try to save them, but can’t. No matter what I do, how hard I try, I never can. Sometimes I’m too slow, or I can’t move, or I do something that triggers them dying instead, or I have an attack right as I get to them…” Taking a deep breath he finished, “You always just stand there and watch and once their dead, you just leave.” Todd’s voice had trailed off to a whisper as he spoke and as he finished he began to weep. He was so tired of crying but he couldn’t help it.

Pulling him close again, Dirk tried to assure him, “You know I’d never actually let that happen. If I had been there, if I had known about Amanda, you know I would have stopped at nothing to save her.” It was Dirk’s turn to have his voice wobble as he told him, “Until just now I didn’t even know she was in trouble.”

Todd sniffled before admitting, “I know that, Dirk. I know you’d never actually do that, but my dreams don’t seem to know it, and I can’t stop this feeling of…of resentment.” He made sure Dirk was looking him in the eye as he told him, “I know you don’t deserve that. I know it wasn’t your choice to leave, but I still feel angry, all the time, not even just at you, at every one; at Farah for loosing contact, at Amanda for being unreachable, but,” looking down he rasped out, “mostly at you because you weren’t here when I needed you.”

When Todd looked up again it was to the heartbreaking sight of tears silently running down Dirk’s face. The other man seemed to be at a loss for words before finally whispering, “I don’t know how to fix that, Todd.”

Sighing, he told him, “It’s not something that you have to fix. It’s something I do. It just might take a little time.” Dirk nodded sadly but said nothing, so Todd decided it was time to get up, telling Dirk, “I’ll go make us something to eat.”

As he was retreating Dirk finally spoke, asking, “Why do you have attacks in your dreams? You don’t have Pararibulitis.”

Not even daring to turn around, Todd simply lied, “Probably guilt about lying to Amanda for so long.”

Dirk was quiet again for a while as he got up as well and started getting ready for the day. He didn’t speak again until they were sitting at Todd’s table eating, stopping to look at Todd as he told him fervently, “I’ll find her, Todd. I’ll find Amanda. I’ll start today.”

With a small, but genuine smile, Todd told him, “Thank you, Dirk.” Todd hoped Dirk could see how much he meant it.


	7. Chapter 7

It was as Dirk was doing the dishes that he heard Todd’s phone start to go off. The shorter man was in the bathroom so he decided to check who was calling. Overall he was happy to see Farah’s name flashing up at him, but there was still a small part that wanted to put the phone down and pretend he hadn’t heard it. In the end, really only after a second or two, he decided to answer it.

Trying to sound cheery, he greeted, “Hello! Todd’s phone, this is Dirk speaking!”

Farah gasped on the other side as she said, “Dirk! I knew what Todd had said in his message but I don’t think I actually expected to hear your voice.” He could hear the smile on her face as she asked, “How are you? Are you okay? How did you get back? Where, exactly, were you? What happened that day at the diner? Why…”

Cutting her off, Dirk play scolded, “Now, Farah, you know how I feel about people doing that.” When he heard a small chuckle he went on to answer her questions as best he could. He was in the middle of giving her a vague run down of escaping when Todd showed up at his side with a questioning look. Asking Farah to hold on for a moment he told him, “Farah phoned back.”

With a look of pleasant surprise crossing Todd’s face, making Dirk’s stomach clench in an unpleasant way, the other man grabbed the phone from his hand before hitting speaker phone and saying, “Farah, finally.” He sounded a little peeved, making Dirk’s stomach feel much better, as he added, “I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for over a week.”

The next fifteen minutes were filled with Farah apologizing as she told them where she had been. Apparently, she had gotten hold of Dirk birth name, the news of which made Todd look at him in a painfully questioning way, and had tracked him all the way back to his days at St. Cedd’s. When she let slip the part about him doing jail time for selling exam papers before he could stop her he felt Todd’s stare like a dagger. He had derailed Farah’s attempts to continue as he assured Todd, “It was an unlucky misunderstanding. I simply made a practice exam based off of previous ones and unfortunately it ended up being exactly the same as the one that was given that year. They thought I stole it to sell it.” As Todd opened his mouth to speak he quickly interjected, “I am not psychic, Todd, I’ve told you before.”

Scoffing, Todd asked, “Then how did you know I was going to say that?”

Dirk was at a loss for words but was saved by Farah’s voice on the speaker as she told them, “Look, I have to go. I have a flight in a few hours back to the States. I’ll see you guys tomorrow morning.” After a quick goodbye the phone was hung up leaving Todd and Dirk standing in the cramped kitchen.

Clearing his throat, Todd finally told him, “You don’t have to tell me about it, your past is just that, your past. It’s none of my business.”

Opening and closing his mouth once as he thought about what to say he finally landed on, “I’ll tell you all about it one day, I promise. There’s just a lot of it, too much for one conversation.” Seeming to accept the answer, Todd simply nodded.

The rest of the morning and afternoon was spent out on the street, Todd and Dirk trying to find Amanda. As they walked aimlessly, because Dirk assured Todd it was the best way to find her, they talked about possibilities and Dirk confirmed that the Rowdy 3 had not actually been captured, or at least that he had not run across them on the inside, or heard about them being there. That made Todd feel better, hoping it meant Amanda didn’t just have one protector, but four. In the end they only went back because Dirk said Todd was looking tired, and that he was hungry anyway since they had skipped lunch. Really though, he could still see that something else was very wrong. Don’t get him wrong, Todd did look tired, but it was deeper than that, far more intense. There was a bone deep exhaustion that seemed ever present now, and a level of resignation to it that frightened Dirk to see. 

After getting home and freshening up they made dinner together, simple soup and sandwiches, eating in a comfortable silence at the table. After the dishes were done and put away they sat on the couch, turning on the crappy television, and stayed there until they were tired. This time, it wasn’t even a conversation about where they were sleeping. They simply went through their nightly routine before climbing into bed. They were both asleep within minutes, and again, if their hands had found each other over the covers neither made mention of it.

They both found themselves jolting awake the next morning at the sound of sharp knocking on the door. Quickly extracting themselves from each other they got up to open it. It was barely open half way before Farah barrelled in, enveloping Dirk in a crushing hug. As he managed to hug her back she told him, “We were so worried about you, Dirk. I’m so happy you’re okay.” She pulled back enough to really look at him, satisfied enough for the moment he was alive, before adding, “I’m happy Todd remembered to think about your rent, it looks like it was worth it after all.”

Dirk turned a questioning look on Todd as he asked Farah, “What do you mean?”

As Farah hugged Todd, making Dirk’s stomach clench again, she asked, “Didn’t Todd tell you?” She still had an arm around Todd as she told him, “Your apartment has been covered since you were taken. He asked me if I could pay it before I left for England.” She sent a questioning look of her own at Todd as she asked, “Didn’t you tell him?”

Clearing his throat awkwardly, Todd simply said, “I told him you had taken care of it.”

Sensing she had just started something she tried to change the subject, asking, “Have you heard from Amanda again since she sent that letter you mentioned in one of your voicemails?” Once again she felt the tension in the room rise. Looking at her with a sad smile he told her he hadn’t. That was the first moment she noticed what Dirk had been trying to figure out, that there was something else wrong, but she was at even more of a loss than the tall gangly man to figure it out. Instead she simply pulled him into another hug as she soothed, “It’s okay, Todd. We’ll find her, you’ll see.”

As Dirk watched Todd soaking up the comfort Farah offered he found his stomach more than just clenching, but turning over and making him feel like he was going to be sick. Quickly excusing himself he ducked into the bathroom. As he shakily paced back and forth in the confining room he could no longer deny what he was feeling. It was an intense jealously toward Farah. He didn’t even know if there was something going on between the two, but just the thought of it being a possibility made him want to cry and scream all at the same time. Splashing some water on his face he silently told his reflection to get a hold of itself.

When he finally did emerge from the bathroom Farah was gone and Todd was standing up, leaning against the table waiting for him, a look of concern on his face. Standing up straight, he asked Dirk, “Are you okay? You looked pretty pale before running in there.”

Waving off the concern, though it actually made him feel quite amazing, he assured Todd, “It’s nothing.” Thinking quick on his feet he told Todd, “Probably just the same bug you had.” Todd frowned at him, clearly not believing him, but said nothing else about it.

Instead he informed Dirk, “We are going to meet Farah for breakfast in an hour. Do you think you feel well enough to go?”

A part of Dirk wanted to say no just so he could keep Todd away from Farah but he prided himself on not being petty or selfish, so in the end he said, “I’ll be fine. We can meet her.”


	8. Chapter 8

It was far too obvious to Todd that something was bothering Dirk but he couldn’t figure out what, or more so, which thing. He was so distracted by it that after Farah had picked them up to drive for breakfast he didn’t notice where they were headed until they were already there. Both he and Dirk tensed at the sight of the diner. Todd hadn’t been back in three weeks and he had not really planed on ever coming back again.

As they entered he took a deep breath but forced himself past the irrational fear. He knew that just because this was the place his life fell apart it didn't mean it would happen again just as he was getting his feet back under him on solid ground.

He didn’t miss the way Dirk became shifty either. He was sending searching gazes around the room every few minutes and jumping at the sound of every foot step that came toward them. Not really thinking about it, Todd grabbed Dirk’s hand beside him in the booth to try and calm him down and it did help. Dirk still turned to look at every person who came in their direction but he stopped jumping.

By the time they had ordered and their food came Dirk seemed relatively back to normal, though he wouldn’t let go of his hand. When he tried to take it back in order to eat Dirk had tightened his grip and so Todd had stopped trying to take it back, deciding he only really needed one hand to eat pancakes anyway.

The conversation strayed back to Amanda as Farah started laying out plans of her own for finding the young woman. Not knowing which had the most potential for results Todd said they could follow up on both Farah’s way and Dirk’s, though he said he’d go with Dirk. It didn’t really need to be said that he was just afraid that the second Dirk left his sight he would vanish again. True to this fear, that was how Todd found himself following Dirk to the bathroom not long after they had finished eating. Todd ignored the smirk and raised eyebrow Farah sent him as he trailed behind the taller man.

He hadn’t expected it to hit him so hard, seeing that hallway again, but the second he was in it he felt his lungs contract. At first Dirk didn’t notice but when he held the door open and Todd didn’t walk through he looked back. A look of startled concern crossed his face as he took quick steps back to Todd. Slowly reaching out a hand he grabbed Todd’s shoulder before asking, “Are you okay, Todd? You look really pale.”

Forcing his eyes up to Dirks, he unconvincingly told him, “Yeah, I’m fine, just got a little dizzy.”

 Brows furrowed and frown in place Dirk asked, “Are you sure?” Todd nodded back meekly. Letting out a sigh Dirk conceded, “If you’re sure.” He didn’t move to go back toward the bathroom though, instead adding, “Why don’t we go back to your place so you can rest before we go out to look for Amanda again? You might still have that bug.”

Agreeing, they were soon headed back to the table where they told Farah they were headed out. Dirk gave her a brief and awkward hug, which confused Todd and Farah both, before taking a few steps back. Todd sent him a questioning look before giving Farah a hug goodbye as well. That was when he noticed it again, an odd look of pain or sadness or something, that he couldn’t quite name. Dirk’s face was pinched as he turned his back on them to look out the window.

Catching a cab back meant Todd had to wait to ask Dirk what was wrong but that didn’t stop Dirk from doing the exact same thing. They were almost home when Dirk turned toward him and asked, “Okay, Todd, what’s going on? Somethings wrong, something else that you’re not telling me, and I’d like to know what it is.”

Letting out a frustrated sigh, Todd told him, “This can wait until we’re home, Dirk.”

The other man made an odd sound of distress that had Todd sending him a searching gaze but unlike Dirk, he’d wait until they were in private. This was not a conversation for some stranger to hear. As it was as they were getting out the old man looked back at both of them and said, “Don’t worry, kids. If you really love each other you can get through anything.” He was oblivious to the fact he left the two men behind sputtering as both their faces turned an alarming shade of red.

After gaining back their composer and heading up stares Todd barley waited for the door to close before saying, “There, now we’re home and we can talk, okay?”

He didn’t expect the angry huff that Dirk gave him before the other man pleaded, “Would you stop saying that?”

Confused, Todd asked, “Saying what?”

Dirk let out another huff as he got an uncharacteristic look of annoyance on his face before answering, “Calling this home, Todd. It’s your home, not mine. I don’t have a home. The universe doesn’t allow me such things.”

At first he felt a flash of anger at the thought that Dirk refused to think of his home as his as well but then thought harder about Dirk’s words. Feeling an intense wave of empathy for the other man he looked him in the eye as he told him, “We’ve already talked about this, Dirk, but if I need to repeat it so you’ll believe it, I will, as many times as I have to. You are not alone, not anymore, and if you want to think about this place as your home then do it, I want you too.”

Blinking away a few unshed tears, Dirk quietly asked, “Are you sure?” He looked down at his feet as he continued, “I know I can be a bit annoying, and a lot of people get sick of me really, _really_ fast. One person told me I’m like a chocolate truffle, great in moderation but hard to stomach if you over indulge.” He started talking with his hands, flailing them about as he continued, “And your friendship is important to me, Todd. I don’t want you to decide that you’ve had enough of me one day soon and kick me out of your life like everyone else seems to do. Besides, I don’t really want to get in the way if you want to bring Farah home for a special night, or any other girl, and I don’t want you to start resenting me because you want to be alone with someone but I’m here…”

Todd had been growing increasingly confused and concerned as Dirk’s rant went on but had to interrupt, asking, “What? Farah? A special night? What are you talking about, Dirk? Why would I have a special night with Farah? And if you haven’t noticed since we met, Dirk, I don’t have anyone over, let alone dates.” Taking a step toward Dirk, Todd asked, “Are you mad at Farah or something? You’ve been acting odd since she got back.” When Dirk failed to respond he further asked, “Is this about her finding out about your past? Because you should know by now that it won’t change how we feel about you Dirk.”

A strange pained look overtook Dirk’s face as he asked quietly, “And how exactly is it that you feel, Todd?”

 Hearing nothing but accusation where there was none Todd began to panic. He couldn’t look away from the other man though as his mind started to race with too many thoughts. He felt his lungs constricting as he started to ask, “What do you me…” but had to stop to gasp in a breath. He wasn’t ready to deal with this, to handle this heavy of emotions. Hell, he had been working overtime just to stop this train of thought since the night Dirk showed up, and probably long before that if he were honest with himself. It was too late now though, the train had left the station and his mind was going into overdrive. Gasping, he tried again, saying, “I care about you, you know that, you have to.”

A look of frustration joining his pained look, Dirk demanded, “Yes, but in what way, Todd?”

As he started to slowly back away Todd felt tears spring to his eyes. He tried to open his mouth and speak but the words were stuck in his throat choking him. As Todd recognized the signs he let out a pained moan as another attack swept over him. Feeling like there was an unseen weight dropping onto his chest, Todd fell to the floor. He could feel it crushing the air from his lungs and preventing him from taking in anymore. Distantly he could hear Dirk calling out to him urgently but he couldn’t focus on it. All he could focus on was the feeling of slowly suffocating. The last thing he was aware of before passing out was the sound of his sister’s voice, but that made no sense so he figured it was just his oxygen deprived brain bringing up cruel hallucinations.


	9. Chapter 9

At first Dirk had been pushing his own frustration about his own feeling for him on the other man, but as Todd became more and more panicked Dirk started letting that little seed of hope grow. As he pushed he hadn’t thought it would trigger a panic attack.

But when Todd fell to the floor gasping, scratching at his own chest and throat, Dirk came to a horrible, sickening realisation; Todd was having an attack.

Todd had Pararibulitis.

Dropping quickly to his knees beside him Dirk grabbed both of Todd’s wrists, stopping him from scratching at his throat any more. He tried getting the smaller man’s attention but didn’t get anything but a slightly turned head in response. Feeling his own panic winning over, Dirk started to hyperventilate himself.

He was only saved by the miraculous appearance of one, Amanda Brotzman, showing up in the door way with a loud curse of, “What the fuck?! Since when the hell has Todd been having attacks?!” She was quick to drop down next to her brother as she further asked, “How long has he had the disease?”

Forcing himself back under a semblance of control, Dirk simply answered, “I don’t know.”

Looking at him with anger that burned, Amanda demanded, “What the hell do you mean you don’t know? This isn’t exactly something you can hide for very long.”

Shrugging, he defended, “I’ve only been back for a few days.” When she still didn’t look the least bit pleased he amended, “I mean, I did notice something was wrong since I’ve been back but I never actually thought for a second it was this.”

As Amanda went about helping her now unconscious brother, she further demanded, “Where were you?”

Face going blank, he answered in one word, “Taken.”

That did mollify Amanda as she moved on, instructing him to pick Todd up and put him in the bed. After tucking him under his blanket and kissing her brothers cheek, Dirk heard her whisper, “I’m sorry this happened, Todd. I’m so sorry.” When she turned back around to face him there were tears in her eyes, but she quickly wiped them away before asking, “Was it random or did something trigger it?”

Confused, Dirk asked, “What do you mean, trigger it? I thought they were always just random.”

Shaking her head, Amanda informed him, “No, actually, most are triggered. They might all be really, but I’ve noticed that at least most are.” Sitting down on the couch in a slump she told him, “Most attacks are triggered by some extreme emotional response, usually only bad ones, but sometimes the good ones to.” Resting her head on the back of the couch and closing her eyes she asked again, “Was it triggered or random?”

Feeling an intense sense of guilt, Dirk confessed, “Triggered, I think. We were talking before it happened.”

Turning her head to the side and opening one eye to look at him she asked, “What were you guys talking about that you think you triggered it?”

Blushing and looking at his feet Dirk told her quietly, “I was asking him how he felt about me.”

Sitting up and looking at him fully, Amanda asked, “You guys haven’t had that conversation yet?” She scoffed as she added, “I thought you guys had that one within days of meeting.”

Looking at her in confusion, he responded, “What? No, of course not.”

Laughing again, Amanda said, “Whatever, dude, it’s your life, if you two want to waste it acting like a couple chickens, it's up to you.”

Looking at his fingers as he fidgeted with them he asked her, “Why? Do you think he feels the same way?”

Once again laughing she told him, “I’ve never seen my brother fall so head over ass for anyone before.”

Any further discussion was cut short by the sound of a soft groan of pain from the bed, drawing their attention. Todd was waking up, or more so, gaining back his consciousness.

Dirk grabbed his hand as he sat on the side of the bed gently calling out to Todd. Amanda had another idea, however, as she jumped onto the bed to kneel next to her brother. Without warning she slapped Todd across the face, making Dirk jump, but succeeding in waking him up.

Confused, Todd asked, “Amanda? Am I still dreaming?” He cast his eyes over the room before they landed on Dirk, making a slight blush creep onto his cheeks.

Not having the patience for the two, Amanda told Todd, “I’m actually here, Todd. We got back into town today and the guys said they felt like you’d need me, and look at this, they were right.” She was smirking as she teased him, “Looks like I came just in time to save your sorry ass.”

The grin that overtook Todd’s face could light the room as he reached a hand out to cup the side of his sister’s head. Sounding happier than Dirk had ever heard him, Todd told Amanda, “Thanks for saving my sorry ass again, Amanda.”

He then pulled her down into a tight hug, tight enough that she gasped as she told him, “I need to breathe, Todd.” For a long moment Todd only loosened the hug slightly, not yet ready to let her go. When he finally did it was her that extended it for an extra few seconds.

With a soft, genuine smile on her face she told him, “I’ll leave you two to talk for a while. I think you have a few things to discuss.” Winking at her brother, then at Dirk, she took her leave, a giggle filtering through the door as it closed.

To Dirk’s surprise it was Todd who spoke first, saying, “There is something I need to talk to you about, Dirk.” Sitting up so he could better face him, he plunged ahead, telling him in a rush of words, “I think I might love you, Dirk, in the romantic sort of way, and I don’t expect you to feel the same way or anything, but I hope it doesn’t ruin our friendship because our friendship means so, _so_ much to me.” He had to stop to take a deep breath but before he could start again was cut off by the feel of lips pressed against his own.

Though Dirk had been stunned for a moment by the rushed words the pure joy that over took him pushed him to action, taking Todd’s head in his hands as he did what he had wanted to do for so long now; kiss Todd.

It started out chaste but quickly grew into something more passionate as they both released weeks and weeks of pent up emotion. They only pulled back when their lungs demanded it, but didn’t go far, leaving their foreheads pressed together.

After a long moment of content silence Dirk finally spoke, unnecessarily clarifying, “I feel the same way, Todd.” This only made the other man laugh as his smile broadened. After a few more moments of silence Dirk couldn’t help asking, “Why didn’t you tell me, Todd?”

Briefly, Todd thought about pretending to misunderstand the question, but he knew Dirk, he wouldn’t take the hint, so instead he let out a sigh as he told him, “I didn’t want to bother you with it. You were clearly dealing with enough stuff of your own; you didn’t need me adding things you could do nothing about.”

Frowning, Dirk told him, “I could have been here for you. Don’t think I haven’t already figured out you had an attack at that pub.” Dirk pulled Todd impossibly closer as he whispered, “You don’t have to go through this alone, Todd, not anymore.”

Smiling with an edge of sadness, Todd said quietly, “I never should have doubted you. I don’t know what I was thinking that night.”

For a moment those words confused Dirk, mostly because they seemed so important, until suddenly everything fell into place, all the little things that had been niggling at him since the night he returned. “That’s why I felt such an urgent need to get out and why I felt like it was of life and death importance.”  An overwhelming sense of sadness filled Dirk’s chest as he whispered, “You were about to give up, weren’t you?”

Instantly there were tears in Todd’s eyes as he rasped out, “I felt so alone, Dirk, and scared. I didn’t know how to handle the attacks, and Amanda was missing and you were gone.” Todd took a deep breath before whispering, “I was so exhausted. I just wanted it all to stop. I just wanted some peace.”

Tears filling his own eyes, Dirk pulled Todd into a crushing hug. Kissing his temple he whispered back, “You’re not alone anymore and you don’t have to be scared. You have Amanda and Farah, and you have me.”  Burying his nose in Todd’s hair he promised, “We’ll get you through this.”


	10. Chapter 10

Amanda came back with Farah, and to Dirk’s slight dismay, the Rowdy 3, in tow a few hours later. He and Todd where simply sitting on the couch beside each other but nonetheless Amanda wolf whistled as she came in, making both men blush slightly against their will.

This time, when the four men surrounded Dirk and Todd, Dirk didn’t mind. With Amanda making them promise to be gentle they absorbed a long stream of emotional energy from the two. It was Martin that spoke first as he simply said, “I guess congratulations are in order.”

Though it was actually Vogel that half yelled, “Congrat’s, guys!”

When Farah asked what they meant and got a rather crude answer from Gripps and Cross she simply blushed as she pointed out, “I honestly thought that was nothing new.”

Amanda burst into laughter as she choked out, “I know, right? I mean seriously, how is it they are the last to figure it out when it’s their own feelings?”

Together, Amanda and Farah shook their heads as they chorused, “Men.”

Soon the conversation moved on to new topics as they discussed Blackwing and everything attached. The rest of the day was spent pleasantly enough, all happy to be with people they cared about, people that helped make them each feel safe. By the time dinner came around it was mostly just an impromptu party.

When one of the Rowdy 3 got too excited and smashed Todd’s crappy television he didn’t even care; though it may have helped that Farah elbowed him lightly and promised to get him a new and better one.

That night, after everyone else had left, as Todd once again lay in Dirk’s arms, he felt it again, that sense of stability. The bedrock of his life was back and once again, he was building his life back up on it. As he drifted off to sleep he promised himself that this time, it would be even better.


End file.
